[Home]Gary Peek

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I've been doing all sorts of computer and electronic things for a long time, and even combining them with parachutes, believe it or not: http://www.pcprg.com Lots of interesting stuff there.

I'm President of Industrologic, Inc. http://www.industrologic.com which is an industrial electronics product company.

Ever since the WWW became popular I have used it extensively and done a lot of web site and related work on the above sites and for some others.

I would call myself a major curmudgeon of the internet, always complaining about the silly things people do to make their web sites look "cool" instead of making them useful.

(I once wrote a scathing piece on a newsgroup and was refered to as the bastard child of Jukka Korpela and Jacob Nielson, or something like that.)

I'm a frequent reader and sometimes poster to various web related and electronics newsgroups.

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1/3/2002

OK, here it is. The posting I made.

The "Alternative HTML FAQ" that is sure to irritate a number of people. (Warning: profanity)

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Stupid Questions About Web Page Design Techniques

(Stuff you shouldn't be doing anyway.)

Q. How can I change the color of the links on my page?

A. People are used to seeing blue underlined text for links. What are you trying to accomplish, stupid? To hide your links from less experienced users or to make it harder for everyone to find them? And what color do you want to change them to? Something you think is "cool" but is really tasteless, or something hard to read on your stupid looking background color?

Q. How do I put a counter on my web page that shows how many people have visited my web page?

A. Nobody gives a shit how many people have visited your web page except you and your ego. If you have some meaningful content on your web page then plenty of people will visit, otherwise nobody will.

Q. How can I hide the "source" of my web pages? How can I prevent people from stealing the graphic images from my web site?

A. You can't easily do it, and what are you trying to hide anyway? That really "cool" layout or effect that we think looks like shit anyway? The only people that would steal graphics from your sucky looking web page are morons that plan to make a page that sucks as much as the one they stole them from.

Q. What screen size or resolution should I design my web pages for? What is the ideal width of web pages?

A. HTML and browsers were designed to be completely self- adjusting to whatever screen and printer are being used. Anything you do to try to "optimize" your web page will simply fuck it all up and probably look like shit to some people. "Optimizing" your web page is like saying "Fuck you, you have to view my web page the way I want you to view it because my layout is so cool." (HTML was designed to "suggest" to the browser how to display the page, yet allow the user to change the appearance of the page for good reasons, like making the text a different size in case they have a vision problem, for example.)

Q. Does my web page look OK on your computer? Does my web page look good on your MacIntosh?

A. If you designed your web page correctly it would be self-adjusting and you wouldn't need to be asking.

Q. Why does my web page look good with browser "X" but not with browser "Y"?

A. Because you tried to make it look so "cool" with browser "X" that you fucked it up for everything else.

Q. Will splitting up my graphic image into smaller images help it load faster?

A. What will make your web page load faster is getting rid of that big-ass piece of shit graphic image and using something smaller and more tasteful! You should also reduce the number of colors used in the image because we don't really give a shit about the resolution of your graphics anyway. What we are looking for is some meaningful content in your web page.

Q. How can I disable the "Print" function when my web page is displayed?

A. You can't easily do it, and why would you? What are trying to protect against printing? Is the stuff on your web page so stupid that you don't want anyone to print it and show it to anyone? Besides, anyone that knows shit about computers knows how to get a hard-copy of the information on your stupid web page anyway.

Q. How do I make colored scroll bars/buttons/etc.

A. Who gives a shit what color your controls are? Do they do what they are supposed to do, or is your next question going to be how to fuck up how they work too?

Q. How can I insure that people are seeing the font I selected when they are viewing my web page?

A. Who gives a shit about your font? Is the content of your text so lacking that you need to beef it up with your special "cool" font?

Q. How can I get my web site rated better by search engines?

A. Put something on it that people might really give a shit about. Not your "cool" graphics, but some actual text that means something. And title it correctly.

Q. Does my web page load slow for you? How can I get my web page to load faster.

A. If you put a shitload of large useless graphics on your web page it will load slow for almost everyone. If you didn't, you don't even have to ask, because you can't do anything about it anyway.

end of "FAQ"



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